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      If I could describe the way I'm feeling I don't know what words I would use...  I found a job for right now... I'm trying to find a job that will pay me the big bucks... dying to go big places... do big things with my life... I wanna put the edge back in my life... I wanna get back into going to church.. I kinda fell off when I decided to come out... didn't wanna come off as a hypocrite...  There is something about going to church that really sets my spirits.. makes me feel better... helps me to understand what is going on by giving me strength.... 
     I feel like my life hitched a ride w/this sky rocket....  (not that I want to get off or anything... hanging on is so much easier than letting go)...  I see that my friends have become my family... I love them for being there for me when I allow them to be...  I just see myself becoming mentally stronger as the year comes to a close. At this point failure is not an option... So let's see what comes of it... hmmmm :)

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Just Randomly Thinking

I was just sitting here  watching tv... watching a movie called Suburban Girl...  some random cheat scene made me think about when my girlfriend cheated on me... I came to her apt all excited... I was gonna cook her breakfast... walked into her room... and in the bed we'd slept in together.. had sex in together... had laughs.. had play... laid her and a girl she'd flirted with at a club....  and the only thing she had to say to me was "why didn't you call"  I had never been more heart broken and pissed off at the same time...  (I've never talked about this before) and even when I cried she didn't even look the least bit sorry... the least bit hurt that she'd hurt me...  The only thing she was worried about was if we were broken up and her key...  even when I tried to work things out.. (give her another chance)...  she was a total cop out...  sent me a text saying how she couldn't do it... couldn't be faithful... so for the first 2 days.. I tried to act like I was okay.. tried not to think about her... I cried, (I'll admit it)... I mean I loved her...  I mean who really wants to hear... "I love you, but I can't be faithful to you.." But I was unbroken... and after a week... She texted me and said she wanted me back... Yet even now.. that we're trying to work it out... I'm trying to trust her... trying to forget...  she wants me to put everything in her... be all in with her... I give her most of me... I give her my love... but my strength... I've learned to keep that for myself...  My family really isn't here for me in this... in this relationship... so I have to be strong for me... be prepared for the worst... at any day... any moment love could let you down... sending you on this downward spiral of tears... and brick wall bending..  all I ever wanna do is love a person... and they generally love me without hurting me.... deeply or shallow... I don't need anymore pain in my life... I can't only hope that she's truly can be faithful to me... or even better... to herself... As thus far... she has... everyday I love her more... wanna sex her more (lol) and want to take along w/me as I complete my bucket list... and vice versa... Things are just hard right now... but.. when it's all said in done... we're different... but then... not really...

Randoms Thoughts and Plans...

So the job search has become a little bit easier.... I found a job as a customer service rep. mind you its like $4 less than I'm used to making... but its a start... I don't start working until the 19th... well I'll be in training... from Wed-Fri. and then I'll start my schedule...I'm hoping this other college thing pans out... I really need to get back up on my game... shopping game of course...  I have to get paid a certain amount in order to spend how I'm used to... ugh...   minus the fact that I like to go out... and I can't!!! Brokism is NOT where its all... lol


My & my boo hosted a nice party on Saturday night... I cooked... and we all had a good ol time...  had sum laughs... few (maybe more) drinks... lol some of us acted a fool.. *whispers* watch the vid...  I won't say no names...  The clean up was a mess tho... Next party I'm gonna nominate a damn clean up crew!!! I will NOT be doing that again...  It was fun tho... It got everybody's mind off of the week...   It was too fun... gonna do it again...

 The only thing that bums me is that I wont get paid well enough to do something good for her birthday... like I had had all of these plans and they all kinda fell through when I lost my job....  So now I gotta come up with a good plan to help her celebrate her 24th...  It'll be after her birthday... but I'ma set it up.. Of course I'm going to get all dolled up for her... and get her the diamond studs she wants... (ugh.. a gf  work is never done)... 


But this is my plan... (so I don't forget my damn self)

• find her a nice fit.. (something she'll look absolutely sexy in  lol)
• get sumthing sexy to wear... for the party... & after.. (lights out) mm hmmm *a must*
• cook (she loves that)
• drinks (of course a party isn't a party w/o drinks)
• book a hotel on the beach (one over looking the water *a must*)
• buy her the earrings she been beggin me for... ugh
• 
• get all her friends together...

lastly just party and drink the night away... I want to make sure she has the best bday ever!!! 

Now hopefully she can be a good gf and not search for my password and long on to my blog... lmao.. this is the only place i can put stuff and she not find it... smh... soooo sad... She just noisy, I can never surprise her...  Now if she finds it... then I guess I just wont do it... lmao... but if everything goes out right... The look on her face will be priceless...  

Sn: the things you do for love are priceless

*sighs*

Today was another bummed out day... The job I thought I had was a no go.... That's one thing about temp agencies... You just never know.... Fucking sucks!!! Feel like I'm on the line of depression... being without money... and not having one family member to go to sucks.... I'm struggling right now... and my gf is trying to be strong for me but I know our finances are taking a toll on her too... Where the hell are the jobs!?!? People what's going on!?! I'm so fucking stressed out! I went and bought freaking sleeping pills because I'll be up all day and night and only sleep about an hour!!!! God bless those who have a job, b/c ya'll are truly lucky... *sighs*

Ugh.. Today has been one of those days...

Some mornings I wake up and I feel like the best thing poppin.. and other mornings I just feel like shit... Like this morning... I get up to go for a job interview @ Progressive Insurance... don't you know it these SOBs did a damn math test!?!? Why the hell do you need math in customer service!?! I coulda kill them!!!!

But no worries because God is so damn good... I'm sitting here writing a blog and I got a call... I start working at a college tomorrow... I'm so fucking happy right now... I called my love to tell her the good news... I mean even though its part time... At least its something... Totally changed my mood.. to happy...

Side Bar: I understand that living with someone is different because they have different habits than you... But none the less... Who raised these people... lol... My gf is an absolute nut!! (In a good way) I don't know how to describe it.. Even though she gets on my nerves sometimes she's absolutely what I need... (even tho I don't tell her that... often). She knows how to put me in place and get me back on where I need to be... (I won't lie and say sometimes I don't need that lol). That's why I think living with together is good for both of us... She needs a little bit of my sweetness somewhere around her... (lmao) She's a tough cookie... and I'm much softer... so we off set each other... Yet at the same-time we meet in the middle... freakin weird... lol.. Its weird the things you think about when you actually have time to think... clearly...

My love and I...

Another Side Bar:

I am so ready to go see the world... I've been living in the same state my entire life and I'm ready to just pack up and go somewhere... But to what state? and when is the right time to just leave your old life behind? I wanna move to Raleigh, NC so bad... to retire.. but I'll travel to all the party states first... because of course I'm somewhat of a party girl.. lol. But none the less... I think its beautiful...

What I wanna go see..